Things I Want To Try, But Shouldn't

Here are some of the things that I know I shouldn't do, but I really just wanna do it if for no other reason than to be able to say that I did them.

- Pulling a fire alarm
- Stealing a cop car
- An indoor slip and slide
- Punching my ex's new significant other
- Putting tin foil in the microwave
- Owning a pet monkey
- Streaking at the super bowl
- Saying exactly what I think for one whole day
- Going to class in a speedo
- Having daytime sex in the middle of a park
- Running through security at an airport
- Sex with a midget
- Jumping in the lion enclosure at the zoo to pet them
- Wearing 2 RC cars as skates
- Fake robbing a bank
- Pooping in a display toilet at the Great Indoors
- Punching a stranger
- Telling someone to “Fuck off” in a formal meeting
- Putting on a fake robbery in front of a police station
- Go around as a superhero fighting crime at night
- Disrobing on the podium at graduation
- Making a honking noise when grabbing boobs
- Running with the bulls
- Being a stuntman
- Seeing if I can survive in the wild, Tarzan style
- Stealing the Mona Lisa
- Asking a cop if he knows where I can buy weed
- Being in a high-speed chase
- Jumping up and ripping down the signs hanging from the ceiling at the airport or mall
- Intentionally getting fired on the first day of the job
- Smashing a computer monitor
- Jumping out of a second story window to see if I can “Land just right” so I don't break my legs
- Jumping out of a moving car
- Stand with an anti-protest sign in the middle of a protest crowd
- Hitting on a male cop to try and get out of a ticket.

Worst Feelings Ever

You know those times when you're just overwhelmed by a feeling of "Oh crap" or just plain ickyness? Here's my list of biggest worst feelings...

• Getting morningwood during a dentist appointment
• Finally getting a girl's hand in your pants and realizing that you have severe shrinkage going on
• Getting diarrhea at the waterpark
• Peeing in the pool and getting called on it by a passerby
• Cropdusting into an elevator and having someone really attractive get on at the next floor
• Taking out the trash when your sisters and mom are all on their periods
• Walking by a dumpster in the summer and smelling fish, melted ice cream, and what appears to be vomit
• Taking out your post-braces retainer
• Having a post-braces retainer
• Being stuck in a confined space with someone who obviously doesn't believe in deodorant
• The realization that you're going to NEED to vomit to get to sleep after drinking too much
• Puking in general
• Holding in a fart on the first date
• Seeing a boogie hanging out of your nose while you're washing your hands after you've been on a date
• Waking up and seeing that your shift at work started 10 minutes ago
• Waking up in general
• Food babies
• Real babies
• Realizing your condom broke
• Walking into planned parenthood
• Girlfriends having late periods
• When someone telling you a secret has fishbreath.
• Making out with someone who just had onions. Or garlic. Or fish. Or that doesn't have gum in, in general.
• Realizing you have to poop when you're nowhere near a bathroom, OR when you are right by it but are too busy/unable to use it
• When your phone battery dies
• Losing your wallet
• When your computer dies/crashes mid-paper writing
• Knowing you have bad breath and are going to have to talk to someone
• Seeing statuses on facebook regarding someone's significant other when you have a crush on them
• Realizing you sharted
• Walking into someone else's fart
• Stepping in dog poop
• Dropping food
  
• Getting wet when wearing nice clothes
• Losing at tic tac toe. Everyone knows how to at least make it a tie
• Getting beat by the computer on Easy
  
• Realizing that you're becoming the type of person you used to hate most
• Getting rejected via text
• Getting hit in the face with anything
• Printing a 50 page document and realizing halfway through that it's not printing on both sides
• Getting facebook chatted by someone you've been avoiding
• Getting aids
• Getting dutch-ovened
• Wet willys
• Showering at the gym, and realizing that you forgot to pack underwear. So you now have to either freeball or wear sweaty undies.
• Walking into the classroom and realizing that today is test day
• Walking into the wrong classroom
• Being over or under-dressed for a function
• Realizing you're dating the ugly friend
• Packing to move
• Getting bills
• Overdrafting
• Overdrafting on a date
• Finding out you cheated off the idiot in class
• Tripping while walking in front of a crowd.
• Falling below the chairlift while skiing
• Falling while boarding/exiting the chairlift
• Slipping on ice
• When your parents find out a secret about you that you'd been hiding for a LONG time
• When your significant other's parents find out you're having sex with their kid
• Locking your keys in your car
• Getting locked out of your house
• Finding out your family tree includes Hitler
• Being embarrassed by and/or having to defend your significant other when you know they're wrong
• Seeing all your friends out having dinner and they didn't invite you
• Realizing your date is not interested in you whatsoever, but rather only in it for the free meal
• Getting a text about you that someone was trying to send to someone else
• Sending a text to the wrong person
• Getting to the cash register and realizing you don't have enough to cover your order
• Getting declined at the checkout. Especially for like a $2 purchase
• Seeing a movie in theaters you've been really excited to see, and finding out it sucks
• Spending $15 on food and drinks at a movie
• Going into your significant other's room for the first time and realizing they're PSYCHO
• The feeling you get while watching Saw movies or Hostel movies when people get cut/grinded/broken, etc.
• Being too hot in bed
• Any part of your body falling asleep
• Waking up and not knowing where you are for a split second, especially when you realize you're just facing a different direction in your own bed.
• Realizing you're wrong mid-argument
• Realizing the person you're in bed with peed the bed.
• Getting farted ON
• Having a roommate walk in right as you're watching some good old fashioned pornography
• Being the only one who doesn't get a movie reference
• Using a movie quote that no one else gets
• Getting called on in class waaaay after you had your hand up and forgetting what you had to say
• Being tickled when you don't want to be
• Being tickled at all
• Buying new toothpaste only to find out you hate how it tastes
• Having a teacher call on you when you have no idea what the answer is
• Getting rear-ended in your car
• Running out of gas in the middle of the road
• Getting pulled over and knowing that everyone driving by is saying the stuff you always say about people that get pulled over
• Sitting in rush hour
• Finding out that the 35 minute traffic jam was simply a result of people slowing down to look at someone that got pulled over
• Not performing up to your potential in bed
• Spilling a drink or sauce on yourself
• Paying $4 for a damn coffee and once it cools down enough to drink it, finding out they gave you someone else's drink
• Hooking up with a coworker or neighbor, breaking it off and then seeing them all the time afterward
• Meeting your significant other's really hot, single friend
• Realizing you should've peed at the last gas station
• Standing next to a fight that breaks out
• Thinking someone's romantic facebook status is about you, and then finding out it's not
• Getting in a car accident because you were checking someone out
• Sounding like an idiot when reading out loud in class

My Biggest Pet Peeves

We all have things that just drive us absolutely up the wall, and here are the biggest ones for me...

• People who park JUST bad enough to keep you out of the next space
• People who update their Facebook every 10 minutes. WE DON'T CARE.
• Gauchos.
• Snobs who constantly talk about oppression and “fuckin capitalist pigs” when they obviously are trust fund hippies.
• White guys that wear rasta stuff
• Douchey frat guys
  
• People who mix up “then” and “than” (also acceptable hating on mixups of: “off and of,” there, their, and they're,” and “your and you're”)
• Crocs and Uggs
• People that worship Edward Norton
• People who constantly quote Anchorman and Dumb and Dumber. They had their time. It's done now.
• People that don't know when to stop (either talking, hanging around, etc.)
• People that think they are Dane Cook in everyday conversation.
• People that can't laugh at themselves
• Walking stereotypes
• People that can't pick up on when a joke is taking place
• Fat people that try to pass themselves off as “Curvy.” It's not a glandular problem, and its not thyroid. You're lazy and eating 10 candybars a day. Go work out.
• People in America that refuse to wear deodorant because it's “not in their culture.” PUT IT ON, STINKPITS.
• Girls who “dont believe in taking birth control”
• People who tell stories more than once
• Farmville
• Excessive throw pillows
• Hoarders
• Stingy bastards
• Teachers that just read off Powerpoints
• How other people fold my socks
  
• People that only wear joke t-shirts
• People that wear all-denim outfits
• Babydoll dresses. You're just hiding that you're fat.
• Bitches
• Hippies
• People that don't know when snuggle time is over, and sleep time is starting
• Getting retarded arm while snuggling
• People that swear they've never masturbated
• People that are more “Jesusie” than Jesus was
• Broken candybars
• Kids who have never worked a day in their life getting everything I don't have
• Luke Walton
• Skinny jeans
• Tattoos that people get because they're "cute" or "cool"
  
• Waiters that don't use their notepads and then mess up your order
• Not getting my barbecue sauce with my chicken nuggets after i specifically asked for it
• Political and religious extremists
• Getting a parking ticket when you are only in a spot for 3 minutes.
• White guys that can't dance. It makes us all look bad.
• Smoking
• Water that tastes bad
• People that drench everything in ranch
• Hot people that are bad at sex
• Lady Gaga
• People that talk to the teacher too much in class
• Guys with put of control nosehair
• Dudes with constant stiffnips
• Chicks who have boobs all the way down to their hips because they refused to wear bras their whole lives
• Having pennies
• When the person who lived in an apartment before you forgot to tell their bank that they moved, so you get all their mail
• Girls that love to talk dirty but have no concept of what sounds sexy
• People that are pissed off at the club
• Only having dollar bills when something costs some odd dollars and 4 cents
• Over-the-top feminists
• People that always complain about everything
  
• Traffic lights that turn red at night when no one is coming on the cross-street
• Couples that babytalk
• Drivers that cut across the merge lane straight to the left lane
• Drivers that never use their blinkers
• People with either dried toothpaste on their lip or dried saliva in the corners of their mouth
• People that spit excessively
• The Godhatesfags people
• The sound of high heels in a tile hallway
• Wigs from old England
• People touching the door as you hold it open for them
• People that never say thank you
• People that don't say "Hi" back
• Bill O'Reilly